Few things hurt, offend, and confuse us as they call us “necessary” when we normally avoid expressing our needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions as a rule. It’s like, So let me do it right. I avoid saying no and making you think about things when you really should so you can meet your needs and desires. The only time I express a need, am I a need? This makes no sense to us, as it often provokes resentment, shame, and anger. So what’s going on here? Why do they call us “necessary” and right?
Those who like people suppress their true selves, including what they need, while walking on tiptoe for the feelings of others and avoiding healthy boundaries. We think this is good. Or, we believe it is the way to ensure that our future needs are met.
Think of it as if you used to have no healthy limits and set us aside to earn credits to express a need in the future.
Hello you. Do you know how I’ve been The Perfect PartnerTM and just let you do what you want while acting as if I had no needs or that I didn’t bother as much as your gloomy behavior should be? Well, I’m a human being. The time has come for you to commit / stop mistreating me, and I don’t see why you can’t because I’ve earned it.
The idea is that since we didn’t call the person, we didn’t say no when we needed, wanted, or had to do, or let that person take liberties, I should not questioning or criticizing ourselves when we finally speak.
But another important factor is to use suffering to draw attention to or legitimize a need. So we continue to tolerate the unacceptable and repressing ourselves and repressing ourselves because we feel entitled to express a need in the first place. It’s like, I know I could have expressed who I am and what I need at the beginning of the procedure. I held out, though. I let you break my boundaries so that when I speak, you feel bad and want to do well. You will see how much I was willing to be and do for you and you will choose me.
Of course, if we always have to do the equivalent of putting ourselves in an acute and urgent need before expressing our needs and revealing even a little of ourselves, this affects how we express it.
Of course, we could ask sweetly, kindly, calmly or what we say to ourselves, but behind that there is a lot of pain. Neither do we to wait one not or feeling resentful, hurt, and frustrated enough that we don’t think it should get one. We believe we have done all the right things to prove that we are not in need.
And to us it seems like we’re about to go into cardiac arrest, but they don’t see that. Or they don’t to want a. They may feel blind, manipulated, or pressured.
It’s easier to call ourselves “needed” than to acknowledge that they’ve benefited because we don’t own our boundaries and they exploit that. Taking us to that space where we were treated as equals and asked certain things or even took responsibility for where we were going beyond means recognizing that, regardless of our limits, we do have them: they trusted us to play the role of donor while they had to take.
Don’t use having no limits as a currency to meet your needs and desires.
Regardless of our “good intentions”, if we avoid the limits and express our needs to be able, in effect, to generate the duty and use the credits at a later date, this is a problem. We are not needed to have needs. But … if we neglect ourselves, this is guaranteed when we do do see a need, it will not be beautiful. And when we suppress and repress ourselves for being overly responsible with others, we ultimately expect others to do for us what we don’t do for ourselves.
That’s why they call us “needed,” even though we rarely express our needs. Having needs is not “necessary,” but delivery and focus I could to be. We restrained ourselves instead of being sincere; we kept the score to win the credits and then talk without conflict; and they are in an awkward space of urgent need i feel right and proper.
Ironically, hiding or minimizing our needs is more likely to be called “necessary” than constantly expressing our needs being authentically ourselves.
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