We must not “confess” our bad experiences of a relationship with a new partner

When we have had what we might call “past bad experiences” and realize that we are at the beginning of a much healthier love affair, it is not uncommon to feel as if we have to confess our gloomy, unavailable relationships. Next, this sudden impulse triggers anxiety and self-criticism. We are afraid that our new partner will judge us and decide that we are our past self [that made the “bad” decision], and then we stick to ourselves as we play judgment and the inevitable rupture in our head.

If you are in a relatively new relationship and are anxious to confess your relationship experiences, stop.

You need to clarify 1) why you have a burning urgency to tell this person right now and 2) why do you think this is material for your current relationship?

As much as you can easily remember your shame for these relationships, you are no longer in these relationships. You are not the same person either.

Your anticipation of a trial and a possible breakup is also based on a very flawed premise: that your new partner is perfect. I can assure you that they are not, nor do they need to be.

In fact, believing that they are perfect or that you are somehow “bad” because you don’t have a brilliant relationship CV indicates that you don’t know that person well enough. yet and that you are putting them on a pedestal.

You are probably also looking for something to prove to yourself that you are not worthy of your happiness with this person. Maybe you’re also trying to have a kind of ‘gotcha’ moment where you can prove that they’re not that amazing or that you don’t deserve them anyway.

I don’t know the details of your “bad past experiences.” I can tell you this: whatever you mean (e.g., related to a married or related person, being on a long-term booty call, being mistreated by a shady person) is an experience. You labeled it not only as “bad,” but as a marker that you’re a “bad” person.

Yes, these are relationship experiences that you may not be proud of or that have made you feel like shit with yourself. However, they are just that, relationship experiences, not a measure of who you are as a person.

You entered into these relationships based on the knowledge, awareness, and self-esteem you had at the time. In fact, being in these relationships forced you to face the old pain, fear, and guilt. You have had to start treating yourself with a little love, care, trust and respect. Hopefully.

Like me and many millions of people, you were involved in a difficult and painful relationship. You’re not proud of it, but who the hell would it be except your garden variety sociopath or narcissist? You made a mistake because you are human and where you were at the time. You should not continue to suffer for the past of your relationship. You just have to be more discriminating with the help you render toward other people. People do smaller prison sentences for real crimes more than the time you have kept this about you.

Also, no matter how lovely this person may be, she has things she’s not proud of. Right now, as you wear pink glasses to look at on your pedestal, you have a hard time imagining that he is a flawed human being like you. And if they don’t think they are and want to take control of the story of your past or make a fuss about it, your problem won’t be that it had those past experiences; your problem will be that you are with a controlling partner.

Here’s the thing: Your current attitude reflects something beyond the nervousness and embarrassment of what happened. Is shame. Their presence is a sign that you have to deal with the waste of your past relationship so that you can be present in that relationship.

Have an honest conversation with yourself about this new relationship and your anxieties.

If you are happy in this relationship (and I have no doubt), what leads you to create this specific problem Right Now?

  • Are you so happy and things are going so well that it made you nervous to lose that person?
  • Or, have you noticed anything about them that has been recorded as a sign of judgment?
  • Are you self-sabotaging? Or do you have reason to believe that he is a terribly critical person with an impeccable past and a desire to control you?
  • Do you still not trust your new part enough to feel that you can trust your personal life? If so, that’s fine. Be honest with yourself about it. You may be enjoying a new relationship and also he still doesn’t know them well enough. This takes time.

This person is not the arbiter of your dignity. Your anxiety gives them the power to forgive your past when, in fact, it is up to you. What you have to work on is to forgive your younger self for being human. Make peace with your mistake. It is not something that should last for years. So make peace with him so you can talk about it if and when you do to want a. When you have compassion for who you were and really allow yourself to learn from those past experiences with healthier boundaries, although of course you will sometimes have a level of anxiety to share these aspects of your past, you will also have the boundaries to reveal from a place of loving and respecting oneself, not of shame.

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