How to fix broken boundaries

You do it often feel resentment? If so, keep reading.

Resentment is the cumulative effect of saying yes when we want to say no, not communicating our needs, feeling guilty about doing things we don’t want to, and caring for others when that is detrimental to our well-being.

Like death by a thousand cuts, every unfulfilled limit is our agency surrender.

All of these are symptoms a broken boundary system this causes us to give in excess, please in excess, and function in excess as a cost to our well-being.

How do we start repairing? First, it is helpful to know what kind of boundaries you struggle with.

What category of limits do you struggle with the most?

Physics – Includes personal space, physical touch and privacy. Violations included denying you your physical needs, touching you inappropriately, or someone ringing your phone.

Intellectual – Refers to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for the ideas of others and awareness of proper discussion. Someone who despises your ideas or turns you on is an example of rape.

Emotional – It includes honoring feelings and energy. When we don’t have healthy emotional limits we tend to take on the feelings and problems of others as our own. Violations include sacrificing your needs to please another and blaming others for your problems.

Sexual – Includes emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexuality. Mutual respect for limitations and desires between partners. Unwanted touches, pressure to engage in unwanted sexual acts, or someone getting angry because you don’t want sex are examples of rapes.

Material – Includes money and possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve putting boundaries on what you share and with whom. Someone borrows your things from you without asking you, or pressures you because lending money is an example of rape.

Time – It requires that you understand your priorities and leave enough time for different areas of your life without over-committing. When you know your priorities, it’s easier to limit the amount of time you’re giving to other people / projects. Demanding time from people or usually arriving late are examples of violations.

Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries is the basis for feeling empowered in our relationships. There are internal boundaries (the way we interact with ourselves), external boundaries (the way we interact with others), and the respect we have for the boundaries of others.

One question to ask is, where do you currently live not aligned with your values? This is a good place to start determining the broken boundaries that need to be addressed. Remember that having a healthy limit system is what needs to be done, as it educates people on how to relate to you.

In the next post, we’ll review a communications framework that will help you set and enforce boundaries with others.

Also, watch my videos on this topic on my Instagram @missamychan

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