How to feel comfortable expressing sexual desires with your partner

Research shows that when couples talk more about sex, they have more satisfying sex lives. Despite this finding, many couples find it difficult to talk to their partner about their needs and desires. Talking about your sex life can sometimes make you feel more vulnerable than having sex. You have to share your feelings, express what you like and be open about your body. When you share your wishes with your partner, you may be afraid of rejection or that your wishes may be a diversion for your partner.

Good sexual communication is the same as good daily communication in a relationship. You need to have a safe environment to talk about your feelings openly and honestly. You need to have great listening skills, use validation, and use a smooth start.

Here are some tips for having this conversation:

  1. Create a ritual to talk about sex.

A great connection ritual can be the way to connect sexually and talk about the sexual connection as well. Take a moment each week to talk about your sex life together.

  1. First talk about what goes well between you sexually. Share some things that you like and that your partner does well.

Sharing what you enjoy about your sex life together can start a conversation on a positive note.

  1. Let your partner know that you want to share something that might be hard to open.

If you’re worried about rejection or your partner is going to be turned off by a fantasy, it can help to tell them right away that you feel insecure. “Dude, I want to talk about a sexual fantasy I have, but I’m worried you won’t like it. I need to feel safe to share this with you.

  1. Tell your partner how good your body feels.

Share intimate moments you’ve had in the past that have made you feel good or how you like to be touched.

  1. In turn sharing fantasies with each other.

If you open the conversation for both people to share wishes, you can really deepen the conversation.

  1. Recognize that consent is important. If your partner is unable to attend to your wishes, you have this right.

Your partner may tell you that he is not comfortable doing the things you would like to do. It’s important to be respectful of that. You can continue the conversation by asking questions to deepen your understanding of what others are on.

  1. Talk about starting and rejecting sex in your relationship.

How do you start having sex together? If you have a preference for how it is done, you can share it with your partner. In addition, identifying a gentle way to reject sex can also be a good compromise.

  1. Use the Gottman Card Deck app to create sex love maps and find new ideas.

Sex Questions are designed to learn more about how your partner feels about sex. Salsa cards have ideas for ways to spice things up.

  1. He speaks during sex and at the time.

It can also be helpful to talk about what you think is right, what you want your partner to do, and even ask your partner how things are going for her.

  1. Buy sex toys, accessories or wellness items together.

Shop at a local or online store. You can start a conversation about trying new things.

When it comes to sex, the goal is to have open communication and learn from each other. If you’ve tried these tips and still find it difficult to communicate about sex, talk to your doctor and / or find a qualified mental health professional to help you. A therapist can give you the tools to communicate effectively with your partner and can help you with issues such as sexual pain, sexual dysfunction, and trauma.

Whether you’re looking for ways to increase satisfaction or completely restore your sex life, the Gottmans are here to share with you the secrets of amazing sex, and they may not be what you’d expect. Take a look at the latest Gottman Relationship Coach: Enriching Your Sex Life.


The Marriage Minute is an e-newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will enhance your marriage in 60 seconds or less. More than 40 years of research with thousands of couples show a simple fact: small things can often lead to big changes over time. Do you have a minute? Sign up below.

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