Our assumptions about what makes a relationship happy are a source of unnecessary stress and frustration in our relationships. It is this idea that “soul mates” (or certainly people who “really love each other”) want to spend. each free time together. We also think it’s important to want to do a lot of the same things. That’s why millions of people are looking for someone who shares their hobbies and interests.
Still, here’s the thing: relationships do involve us being on the same team. They do not demand, however, that we cease to be so individuals. It is the crucial difference between codependence and among othersdependency. The first is not knowing where we end up and starting because we overly rely on them emotionally for definition, and the second is the ability to depend on each other. i preserve our identity at the same time.
One trap that is too easy to fall into is to believe that the way to show or, in fact, show our love, is to make our partner the center of our universe. Next, our social life shrinks. Maybe we feel guilty about wanting to do something on our own. Let’s set aside some of the things that matter to us. Somewhere along the way, we lose sight of our needs and desires, and next, we have basically lost ourselves.
A staple in unhealthy relationships where the controlling partner uses isolation and emotional blackmail to maximize our dependence on them, losing ourselves. too it happens in genuinely love relationships.
Because? Let’s say we believe we are responsible for the happiness and feelings of another person (and them for our own). Doing things, then, that seem exclusively to us, will feel threatening to the relationship. Although our partner, for example, has no problem with our socialization without them or without our own interests, we will repress ourselves because we feel guilty or for fear of possible negative consequences.
We want it too please our partners, as in, generate in them good and loving feelings. This is understandable. But positive feelings are a natural byproduct of any relationship where both parties are constantly showing themselves as themselves. Intimacy results and the relationship thrives.
However, where things get pretty complicated is when we edit and shave.
We try to be what we think a Perfect PartnerTM should be. This is because we are somehow afraid that if we do not, we will be rejected or abandoned. Maybe these are messages we drew from our parents or peers. However, it can also be due to perfectionism and the desire to make our relationship appear in a certain way. Unfortunately, when we try to isolate our partner effectively so that he does not feel any discomfort and we are in tune with their needs, we also miss big horn signals about ours inconveniences and needs.
Expecting to spend all your free time together or share all the same interests is a recipe for disappointment and resentment.
The moment a part is deflected, it feels as if the rejection is not. In reality, a relationship cannot be our only source of pleasure and purpose.
If our partner is anxious about our desire for independence, it is time for an honest conversation. One thing is that we rarely spend quality time with our partner and therefore feel really careless. It is another, however, when his anxiety is for the past. This begs the question: what is the baggage behind it? Making the connection between old wounds and our current responses not only paves the way for healing, but also higher levels of intimacy.
Discerning the desire for obligation is absolutely crucial to the health and richness of our relationships. We are or do something because we are who we are and we are to want a, or because we are afraid or feel like to own a? And if it’s the latter, are it our fears and insecurities or our partner’s expectations? Yes, we sometimes make sacrifices in our relationships, but they do not feel like they are when they are self-employed.
Ultimately, we don’t have to sacrifice ourselves for our relationships. It is possible to love our partner i ourselves at the same time, and sometimes that will mean creating the space to do our things.
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